Home / thesuperficial.com rss archive / August-27-2007


Jessica Alba holds grudges forever
At the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Alba let viewers know shes still salty about an incident with a schoolyard crush. During her acceptance speech for the female hottie award (a staple of any good awards show) she told the audience: I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years: Ross. Ross didn't love me. I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb. Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now! [Ross] promised that if I kissed him he would choose me for baseball ... I was still chosen last. I never trusted men again. Whoever this Ross character is, I guarantee hes sitting at home contemplating putting his nuts in a blender. Hell weep and curse his childhood naivety - as he very well should. Right now he could be using Jessicas luscious ass for a decorative end-table. But, no, Ross had to be a moron-sandwich and pick some other kid for his baseball team. Awesome. Thanks. Your sad little...

Britney Spears ex-manager avoids subpoena
Things are not looking good for Britney Spears. Larry Rudolph, Britneys ex-manager, spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning and said he does not want to testify in the custody hearing for fear of what he might reveal. People reports: He said he's doing his best to hide from Kevin's process server," Ryan Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. "He's actually on the run. They are trying to track him down and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the custody battle. Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears earlier this year, doesn't want to be served because he said it won't be good for Britney," said Seacrest. "After all they have been through he is still loyal to her, and he doesn't want to have to go under oath and talk about certain things that might hurt her. Regarding his whereabouts, Rudolph would only reveal is that he is with his children. Furthermore, said Seacrest,...

Britney Spears investigated for child abuse
Britney Spears is under investigation for possible child abuse. According to TMZ: An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present -- Britney's lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed's attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court. We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we're told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation. A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today's appearance. Sadly, this had to be the easiest case to put together. All investigators had to do is follow her to McDonalds and watch her set the kids under the French fry lamp. She usually returns to get them after a couple of days. Its kind of cute actually. They help make the milkshakes, and fall asleep in the lap of the Ronald McDonald statue. Yeah, they might get burnt by grease every now and then,...

Michael Vick publicly apologizes, finds Jesus
Former NFL player Michael Vick made a statement today regarding his part in an illegal dogfighting ring, apologizing to everyone and saying that he's found Jesus. TMZ reports: Vick wasn't specific about the acts he was sorry for, but declared, Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it. Between apologies to everyone from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank - to all the kids who used to look up to him, Vick declared that he's found Jesus and has turned his life over to God. I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up. I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to be a better Michael Vick the person, not the football player. Clearly Michael Vicks publicist is unaware that the whole I found Jesus angle might not be the best route these days. Especially considering...

DMX is a terrible dog owner
A raid on DMXs house in Arizona found three dog corpses and several unattended pitbulls outside. A search of the property yielded three canine corpses, one of which seemed to be burned. Police also found a large number of weapons, some drug paraphernalia, and a lot of cars that don't match the license plates. DMX's lawyer claims the rapper hasn't been to his Arizona home for several months and said in a statement: Earl (DMX's real name) had a caretaker, who obviously wasn't taking care. Earl loves those dogs. No arrests have been made yet, but what the hell is this? Is DMX taking dog care tips from Michael Vick? What was this caretaker doing that he didnt notice a dog being cremated? By the sun! I cant believe Im going to say this, but Britney Spears takes better care of her own children than this. Slightly. Maybe not. But at least none of her kids have been discovered dead and burned on the lawn yet. Yet.

Jessica Simpsons face actually looks human
Now here's some groundbreaking news: Jessica Simpson appears to be an attractive female again. Its nice to shes escaped the over-tanned, Lips Manliss-from-Dick-Tracy look she had going on. Or maybe it was John Mayer that deformed her. If theres one person that could radiate ugly, its that guy. Cameron Diaz should be looking like Abe Vigoda with a Gucci bag any day now. Photos: Splash

Kid Rock is classiest man alive
Kid Rock, seen here with his crack hanging out, spent the weekend partying with Paris Hilton. Had I been in town, I wouldve thrown a grenade at them. People might call that a bit drastic, but Im not about to live in a world where the super-herpes these two would create ran free. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my penis how it is. You know, non-melted. Photos: Splash

Hulk Hogans son survives car crash
Hulk Hogans son Nick Bollea and a friend were both in serious condition after a high-speed crash Sunday evening. People reports: Bollea, who was featured with the rest of his family on the pro wrestler's VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best, was driving his yellow Toyota Supra down a four-lane highway in downtown Clearwater, Fla., when the car's rear tires hit the raised median, police said. After fishtailing for several seconds, the car slammed into a 25-foot tall palm tree. His car inexplicably left the road, Clearwater Police spokesman Wayne Shelor tells PEOPLE, and it was totally destroyed upon impact. The cause of the crash is unknown, although police believe the car was traveling at a high rate of speed. We don't know exactly what happened, says Shelor, but we are investigating. Bollea, 17, and his male passenger had to be extracted from the vehicle using the jaws of life. They were placed on a Medivac helicopter where they were flown seven minutes to nearby Bayfront Medical...

Owen Wilson attempts suicide
Owen Wilson was taken to St. Johns hospital in Santa Monica, California Sunday afternoon and the National Enquirer is claiming it was a suicide attempt. They say that he sliced his left wrist and took an overdose of pills. He was transferred from St. Johns after being stabilized to be detoxed and details are still coming out.He was definitely hospitalized Sunday, but the National Enquirer is the only one saying it was suicide. Although for every story they write about Abraham Lincoln being a killer cyborg from the future they still manage to be right every now and then. And this one just feels right. Like the article they wrote about me breaking the world bench pressing record and then spending my free time rescuing puppies from fires. That's just good journalism.