Home / thesuperficial.com rss archive / August-30-2007


Lauren Conrad is very famous
Lauren Conrad and some other people from The Hills were spotted frolicking on the beach. Which is news, because, you know, one time Lauren totally kissed Jason and then Heidi was all, "I can't believe she did that" but she did, and then she ordered a latte and got a tan. So see? Famous. Man, how does she handle the pressures of being her? She's like a monolith. NOTE: I wonder how much she gets paid to stand on the beach and do nothing. Oh wait, that's right. Photos: Splash

Ashley Olsen lands provocative role
Ashley Olsen has landed a role in The Informers an adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis novel. The movie also stars Billy Bob Thornton and Kim Basinger, who, up until now, I assumed was dead. Reuters reports on the films premise: Set in 1980s Los Angeles, the script follows seven stories taking course during a week in the life of a movie executive, his wife, his mistress, a rock star, a vampire and a kidnapper. Thornton will play the movie executive, and Basinger his wife. Superman star Brandon Routh has been cast as the vampire, while Ashley Olsen will play a sexually promiscuous girl. Okay, so who is Ashleys character being promiscuous with? Clearly not the vampire because, lets face it, you cant suck blood out of a mummy. It has to be a coma patient. A really, really deep into a coma patient. Im talking this guy will die in about one second. Thats how bad his coma is. But you know, even under those conditions, getting it on with an Olsen twin? Im just not buying it. Now if...

Owen Wilson didn't overdose
An attorney for Owen Wilson tells Access Hollywood that Owen did slit his wrists, but contrary to reports there was no drug overdose and he didn't get his stomach pumped. The attorney adds that Owen had been taking antidepressants, but he was not aware of any other drugs in his system at the time of the incident. And if you're wondering if the 911 tapes will ever be released, the Santa Monica City Attorneys office says no:In reaching this decision the City believes that in many instances no person should have to worry about whether placing a call for emergency assistance will automatically make his or her medical request open to public review, the City Attorneys office said in a press release late Wednesday. In balancing the competing interests, the City agencies outweigh the public interest served by disclosure of the emergency 911 call. In situation such as this, the City concludes that the public is best served if medical attention is promptly sought instead of being delayed...

Britney Spears ex-assistant is not a celebrity
Shannon Funk, the former assistant to Britney Spears, is apparently worthy of paparazzi attention. Granted, shes sort of hot in a slutty, hey-shes-not-Britney kind of way. But this chick is not a celebrity. Want further proof? Shes hanging out with Jamie Kennedy. The last person seen in public with Jamie was an Egg McMuffin. But at least the McMuffin wasn't dishing out free lap dances. Not that Jamie Kennedy would turn one down. I heard he once got an erotic massage from a bagel. I have no evidence to back that up, but this is the gossip biz, so what I say goes. Now on to my next story: "Jamie Kennedy impregnates Whopper with cheese."Photos: TMZ

Gwen Stefani Hawaii bikini pictures
Remember when Gwen Stefani looked like this? I guess she decided to stop looking like a homeless person and start looking, well, hot. And didn't she just have a kid? Look at her stomach. She deserves a medal for looking this good. I don't want to point any fingers, but sometimes when people have kids they get fat and ugly and forget to wear pants. And are named Britney. Spears. Britney Spears. I'm talking about Britney Spears. Not sure if you got it because I was being so subtle.

Hayden Panettiere goes to France
Hayden Panettiere and the cast of Heroes are promoting the show in Paris this week. For those of you confusing the large metal structure behind Hayden for the Eiffel Tower, you couldnt be more wrong. Its my boner. Thats right. Im a giant love-robot sent back from the future. What, you couldn't tell? I thought the giant metal wang would've given it away. Photos: Splash

Britney Spears planning comeback performance
Britney Spears met with MTV execs and presented them with an opening act for the upcoming Video Music Awards. Criss Angel helped design the performance that Britney hopes will return her to the forefront of modern pop. US Magazine reports: Shes planning it to be a big comeback performance, says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it shocking. One early idea that was canned? Performing My Prerogative amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her. As for a report that shed do a duet with Timberlake? Totally, patently false, says a Timberlake source. You know what would be a really shocking performance? If MTV showed a video of Britney Spears staying at home, tending to her children and basically acting like a human being with normal maternal instincts. Nobody gets dropped or used for an ashtray. Child services doesnt stop by. And most importantly, no one sees up Britneys...

Ashton Kutcher writes worlds most idiotic article
In the latest issue of Harpers Bazaar, Ashton Kutcher writes an advice column for couples struggling with how to dress. If your skull didnt just explode because you read the phrase Ashton Kutcher writes, check out his pearls of wisdom:On a mans place in relation to a womanYour man should not upstage you. Hes there to highlight you.On complementing your manGuys don't like to be told they look nice, pretty, or cute or that they clean up well. We want to feel dirty, rugged, and, most important, that you feel safe when you are in our company. So when your guy finally tries on something that you like, tell him that he looks like James Bond or Tony MontanaOn mens importance in relation to clothesWhen it comes to getting dressed, men are a little bit more important than handbags but less important than shoes. At any rate, we are merely accessories.Look, Im not a doctor. I do, however, practice non-licensed, amateur gynecology behind a Chinese buffet next to the freeway. Its something...