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Britney Spears loses her kids
An LA County Superior Court Judge has taken custody away from Britney Spears and ordered today that Kevin Federline "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court." TMZ reports:Judge Gordon had ordered Spears to undergo random drug testing and take parenting classes. Sources say Federline's powerhouse lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, raised the issue that Spears was driving without a valid California driver's license ... Spears took the kids to the drive-thru at Carl's Jr. at 12:02 this afternoon and surrendered the kids to K-Fed's bodyguard three minutes later.What is the complete opposite of shocking? Because that's what this is. The biggest surprise here is that Kevin Federline is getting the kids. I figured the judge would've come to his senses and awarded custody to a hungry shark. Or this blender I found in the garbage. You know, somebody capable.

Christina Aguilera has prominent mammaries
Christina Aguilera was spotted in Hollywood heading to lunch with a sasquatch her husband Jordan. You can definitely tell shes pregnant by her massive breasts shining glow. Her lower back must be killing her because of those gargantuan boobs heels. She should see me in a shady hotel a chiropractor. I just want Christina to be healthy and provide her baby with lots of love. Because shes got the breast milk covered. I mean, seriously, astronauts in space have boners right now. Ah, the circle of life.

Tori Spelling should never do this again ever
Tori Spelling got to be a Pussycat Doll over the weekend. What in the hell, God? Weve talked about this before. This is not funny at all. You think its cool to blind people, but, newsflash, it aint. Honestly, man, cut this shit out. If I see something like this again, Ill totally come up there. You mightve given me these Herculean biceps, but so help me, uh, you, Im not afraid to smack you around a bit. Aw, okay, that was a bit harsh. You can stop crying. Seriously, its okay. All Im asking is that you put a burlap sack over Tori Spellings face whenever shes out in public. Is that too much to ask? Oh, you can remember to do that if I can remember to take you shopping every once in a while? It never ends with you does it? Images: Splash

Eva Longoria has a sex tape
Eva Longoria is the star of a new sex tape thats hit the web. Apparently its only on pay sites, but thanks to the beauty of the internet, it should be free and in my computer by the end of the day. The Sun reports: Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby TONY PARKER. If this video is real and contains Eva actually looking hot, then Christmas cometh early, my friends. However, if this video has Eva looking like a lawn gnome, which has been known to happen, then this won't be anything new for me. I don't want to get into it, but my grandparents asked me to mow their yard one time when I was really drunk. All Im saying is that that lawn gnome was asking for it. The way he was dressed and looking at me. Im only human, dammit!

Britney Spears inspires art that's not porn for once
Britney Spears was the subject of over 50 pieces of art at a Hollywood gallery over the weekend. Reuters has the details: "We reached out to a number of artists and found Britney is such a polarizing character these days," said Steven Corfe, a co-curator of the show with Thairin Smothers."People absolutely adored her and wanted to celebrate her bubblegum, pop princess years. Or, they thought she was an irresponsible mother or wanted to play up the drug side of things," Corfe added. "The show reflects that whole spectrum."Pieces range from a portrait of the 25-year-old singer, "Gum Blond XLVIII" by Jason Kronenwald, made of chewed bubble gum, to the 6-foot by 10-foot (1.8 by 3.0-metre) "Snake Charmer" by Jamie Boling, based on a paparazzi photo of Britney exiting a car with her skirt hiked up and no panties on. Eh, this is nothing. Ive been making Britney-inspired art for years. Hell, just yesterday I shoved two pipe cleaner arms on a Quarter Pounder and threw some glitter on...

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon are married
Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon received a marriage license on Saturday. Pamela had announced a few months ago that she was engaged, but only recently was it revealed to be with Rick Salomon, who once made a sex tape with Paris Hilton. Access Hollywood reports: Anderson and Salomon have known each other for 15 years, according to Pam, who noted the fact on her Web site blog, this past Thursday.In another posting --on September 26, Anderson wrote that her life was going well and hinted that romance was on the cards, though she did not claim it was with Salomon.Im in love, she posted. And my work is fun and creative. Im healthy . . . Im having the best time in my life. Wasnt Kid Rock hanging out with Paris Hilton not too long ago? Now Pamela Anderson is marrying Rick Salomon. What is there some sort of secret STD society where all the members swap partners? I bet they have matching jackets and decoder rings too. Actually, this sounds like a pretty sweet club. Except for the...

Paris Hilton cries on Letterman
If you missed any of this over the weekend, whats it like to be in a coma? While you think of an answer, heres what went down: Letterman had Paris Hilton on his show Friday night and basically tore into her with questions about being in jail until Paris broke out the waterworks. People reports: After facing a continued barrage of jail-related questions, Hilton, who was on the show to promote her new fragrance Can-Can and her upcoming movie, Repo! The Genetic Opera, said, "I don't really want to talk about it anymore." But Letterman would not be swayed. "This is where you and I are different. Because this is all I want to talk about," he said. As Letterman continued to press, Hilton held up her hand: "I'm going on the next question. I'm over it." At one point a crowd member yelled, "I love you Paris!" which she answered by saying, "I love you too," and blowing a kiss. Quipped Letterman, "Somebody you met in prison?" Hilton, blushing, shook her head no. "There's other stuff to...