Home / thesuperficial.com rss archive / September-17-2007


Christina Ricci is confusing my pants
Christina Ricci was looking hot (I think) at the Womens Guild 50th Anniversary Gala over the weekend. I cant tell if Im attracted to her or not. Right now theres a weird noise coming out of my pants, like a grizzly bear driving a dump truck through a spring factory. I should probably investigate. Of course, if I unzip my fly, that angelic choir will start singing Alleluia again. Real embarrassing when youre in a public restroom. I mean, for you. Not for me. What, no heavenly music comes out of your pants? You must cry a lot.

Britney Spears is on drugs
Tony Barretto, a former bodyguard for Britney Spears, filed a declaration in the custody battle between her and Kevin Federline. He claims that Britney used drugs post-rehab and was nude a lot. Anyone shocked? Me neither. TMZ reports: Barretto started working for Britney when she got out of rehab, and was fired on May 17 because, said Allred, He did not hear her when he was asked to pick up her hat.Barretto, himself the father of young children, came forward, Allred says, because while working for Britney, he became very concerned about the safety of her two boys. Allred also said that she has spoken to County Counsel for Child Protective Services about Barretto's concerns. You know what makes this guys story totally legitimate? He claims Britney Spears fired him for not picking up her hat. Thats the most believable statement Ive ever heard in my life. The only thing more believable would be if Barretto said Britney fired him for stealing her Double Whopper then chased him...

Jessica Simpson is trying her best
Okay, Jessica Simpson knows what to do here, I think. Shes pretty sure you pour the juice from the bottle into the cup. Or is it the bottle into the juice and then eat the cup? Dammit. What did her dad used to say? Oh, right, hed say: If you cant figure something out, why not bounce up and down on daddy's lap until it comes to you? Then he'd ask her if she wanted a boob job because, you know, Joe Simpson buys boob-jobs in bulk. I hear he hands them out at office parties, charity events, and even to kids trick-or-treating on Halloween. Photos: Splash

59th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards
What's that, you say? You want pictures from the 59th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards? How about 100 million gazillion of them? Will that do? Check them all out after the jump. I'll try to update it with as many as I can, so keep refreshing the page throughout the day.

OJ Simpson takes great pictures
Here's a side by side comparison of OJ Simpson's mugshot from 1994 after being booked on double homicide charges (left), and his mugshot from 2007 after being booked on multiple felony robbery charges (right). Can you believe he's already 60-years-old? Looking at him I would've guessed 58, maybe even 57.

OJ Simpson arrested
OJ Simpson was arrested Sunday for the incident last week where he allegedly broke into the Palace Station casino and stole some memorabilia at gunpoint. He was charged with two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and conspiracy to commit a crime and burglary with a firearm, and is currently being held without bail. The AP reports:The district attorney said he expected Simpson to ultimately be charged with seven felonies and one gross misdemeanor. If convicted of the booking charges, Simpson would face up to 30 years in state prison on each robbery count alone.How sad would it be if OJ Simpson got away with murdering two people, but ended up getting life in prison because of some silly hijinks over sports memorabilia? It'd be like Hitler getting away with the Holocaust and then getting busted for running a red light. And, you know, if the the punishment for running a red was life in prison. Which it is. I went to law school so...

Britney Spears wants you to want her right now
Britney Spears wants to be on the cover of Maxim as soon as possible. Apparently she wants to make sure you remember what her body look likes. Ive got some really lumpy Play-Doh that helps jog my memory, but I guess well do it her way. Ok! Magazine reports: Brit's in damage control mode now. She's been talking to the folks at Maxim about doing a photo shoot, a friend of the pop princess tells OK! exclusively, referring to the popular men's magazine that has been a career-boosting showcase for celebrities like Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria. She wants to be on the cover as quickly as they can shoot her.Britney's decision to go for men's magazine cover stardom is based solely on her past success with selling herself as an object of desire. Okay, grab a piece of paper. Now start to draw a circle. But keep in mind this circle will go way off the paper like into the next room. And probably a few feet out the door. Thats the physics problem Maxim will face putting Britney Spears on...

Angelina Jolie might adopt another child - from her uterus
Angelina Jolie might be pregnant again. Pictures of a substantial looking bump have been cropping up fueling speculation. This would be child number something. I lost count after they got that one kid from that country with all the tents. The Daily Mail reports: I've always wanted a big family. And Brad's the same. We are enjoying the children together. They are such big personalities, and it's so exciting to watch them grow up, she said. Use of a Pashmina shawl could be Jolie's attempt at covering the bump in a bid to keep the news quiet. It wasn't until the fourth month of her pregnancy with Shiloh that Jolie confirmed the rumours before giving birth in May last year. So what night of the week does a child not pop out of Angelinas vagina and Brad Pitt gets to have sex with her? Every third Tuesday? On the vernal equinox? Cmon. Billy Bob Thornton got to have crazy, kung fu sex with the blood vials and the biting and tattoos. Brad Pitt gets stuck playing 7th Heaven but without...