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Nicole Richie is pregnant and in a bikini...again
Here are some more pregnant bikini shots of Nicole Richie in Hawaii with Joel Madden. If you can't figure out who's who, Joel Madden is the asshole who's standing there watching his pregnant girlfriend do all the work and Nicole Richie is, well, the pregnant girlfriend doing all the work. Oh, but don't feel sorry for her. Joel's got the hard job. He has to stand there and hold earphones and occasionally shift his weight. If he doesn't do it then who will? I guess they could hire a guy. But for a job this important you usually can't trust outside help.

Vanessa Hudgens is wearing clothes
Somebody took some pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with her clothes on. Why someone would do that, I dunno. I guess Vanessa wanted to see what it would be like to try wearing intricately attached pieces of fabric over her body like everyone else. Feels kind of strange, doesnt it, Vanessa? Feel free to remedy the situation at anytime. Had I been there, shed be totally nude. Little known fact: my mere presence causes womens clothes to disappear. Dont believe me? All you female readers out there, take a look down Oh! No clothes, huh? Yep, it's a talent. Some say I'm a living national treasure - like Paul Bunyan, but a bit manlier. Also, I'm not big into giant oxen. I'm more into naked chicks. Call me old-fashioned, I guess. Photos: Splash

Paris Hilton lowers the appeal of any event
Paris Hilton is banned from attending this years Oktoberfest in Munich, Germany. Many felt Paris presence last year cheapened" the event. E! Online reports: Munich locals complained that their annual bender was "selling out" by having celebs shill during the big swill.But probably the key reason for banning Paris was that last year she was pimping her own brand of canned wine. For Bavarian beer snobs, canned beer is blasphemy, canned wine an abomination.So Paris Hilton cheapens an event where people get sloppy drunk. Makes absolute perfect sense. When theyre planning the next Wife Beaters & Bourbon-Whiskey convention, Paris Hilton will probably not be allowed there either. Dont worry theyll have cheap, out-of-shape strippers and cock-fights, but no Paris. No way. These gentlemen have high standards and deserve a classy evening. Images:Splash

Nicole Richie pregnant bikini pictures
Lord knows why, but Nicole Richie spent the weekend in Hawaii showing off her pregnant body in a bikini. Which might actually have been hot if she didn't look like Gollum and if pregnant women weren't gross. There are a lot of things pregnant women are capable of doing (like cooking breakfast or, say, my laundry) but wearing bikinis isn't one of them. I'd encourage a pregnant woman to take up professional kickboxing before asking her to wear a bikini. And I'm a doctor, so I know what I'm talking about. See this clipboard and white coat? That means I'm right. Now drink your milk and do some, I dunno, jumping jacks. Stat. Images: Splash

Britney Spears ex-bodyguard gives exclusive interview
Tony Barretto a bodyguard briefly employed by Britney Spears after her stint in rehab filed a declaration with the judge handling her custody case. Based on this information, the judge has ordered Britney to take randomized drug tests and parenting classes to maintain custody of her kids. Tony reveals what he told the judge about Britneys drug use, parenting and erratic behavior in an exclusive interview with News of the World:On her overdose with Howie Day:On the surface of the dresser, I could see mounds of white powder and a straw on top. I suspected it was cocaine or powdered methamphetamines. By the side I spotted a glass pipe, which I knew from my drugs training was often used with crystal meth.The drug has similar effects to amphetamine and ecstasy. Overdosing can cause heart failure. Tony went on: I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Britney was completely out of it. We thought she'd overdosed. She was distraught, crying. Her skin was all waxy. She looked so ill....

Hayden Panettiere is dating Captain Sissypants
Hayden Panettiere is dating her Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia, according to Ok! Magazine:For weeks now, handsome Heroes co-stars Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia (now known collectively as "HayLo"), have been sparking rumors of a relationship, with reports of her split from long-time beau Stephen Colletti and the pair's closeness at various events. One friend of Milo has revealed to OK! that they're definitely dating. I heard that Milo Ventimiglia is unable to satisfy a woman in bed and randomly kicks puppies. Its true. Ive got documents to back it up. Some might say these documents are tear-stained napkins with the words Hayden is mine written in red crayon. I say, how the hell did you get in my safe-deposit box? I mean, youre a liar. Seriously, these are official documents and not a handful of napkins from Arbys.UPDATE: Milo Ventimiglia has syphilis and shot a nun. I love you, Hayden!

Jamie Lynn Spears must make Britney feel awesome
While Britney Spears completely unravels in front of the world, her little sister Jamie Lynn Spears walked around looking fantastic at Teen Vogues Young Hollywood event. Shes practically the greatest thing since sliced bread. Wait, that saying makes no sense. I cant stick my penis in sliced bread. Or can I? (Note to self: Buy more bread. Prepare for sexy time. Also, youre running low on tanning oil. Must keep massive chest glistening 24/7 unless you want to spend small fortune on Wonderbread.) Images: Splash

O.J. Simpson is a creature of habit and murder, dont forget murder
A few weeks ago O.J. Simpsons girlfriend cheated on him with a handyman. O.J. confronted the guy and threatened to kill him. Now why does this sound familiar? The New York Post reports:With his gal pal, Nicole look-alike Christie Prody, next to him, Simpson peeled his Lexus sedan into the driveway in the late evening as Marlene Gonzalez was parking her brawny hubby's pickup truck.Simpson made a beeline for her, shouting, "I need to f- - -ing talk to you," Marlene Gonzalez said. He told her that her husband had sex with Prody earlier that day, she said. "I told him he had to solve that problem with his girlfriend," she said. Janos Gonzalez, who had been inside, emerged and told Simpson to leave.But Simpson told the lantern-jawed lothario: "Come over here. I'm going to f- - -ing kill you," Marlene Gonzalez said. Simpson then placed his hand behind him as if drawing a gun, she said. Okay, stop for a minute. If youve had sex with O.J. Simpsons girlfriend and he shows up at your...

Salma Hayek finally gives birth
Salma Hayek gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday. The little ones name is Valentina Paloma Pinault. While no pictures of the child are available, Im going to assume she looks like the Incredible Hulk. But at least five times bigger. Dont agree with me? Take one look at Salmas prenatal stomach and, if you cant feasibly see a comic book character the size of a bus gestating in there, youre legally blind. Honestly, how are you even reading this? Oh, the site comes in Braille. Well then, youre welcome, blindy.