Home / thesuperficial.com rss archive / September-28-2007


Heidi Montag wishes she was on Baywatch
I don't know how, but this site seems to have turned into a tribute page to The Hills. Anyway, everybody's favorite plastic surgery role model Heidi Montag was spotted frolicking on the beach yesterday wearing a pink bikini and carrying around a red life preserver. What an accomplished life. When she's 60 and looking back on her life she'll be able to say she inspired a nation of girls to get breast implants and run on the beach. Somebody should get started on her biography now. It's such a moving story of determination and the human spirit. She makes that Rosa Parks character look like a total douche.

Heidi Montag is proud to be vapid
Heidi Montag showed up at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood event and proudly displayed the issue in which she basically states that she'd rather die than have small breasts. Amazing. This would be like Britney Spears smiling and holding up the issue of Ok! Magazine that details her coke problem and shoddy parenting skills. Though, to be fair, I hear she does walk around with it and shows it to people. And by people I mean the guy at McDonalds that makes the fries. He understands her.

Mariah Carey thinks people want to look at her
Mariah Carey is extremely serious about her bathroom privacy. She had a few too many drinks at VH1s Music Cares event and took her bodyguards to the bathroom. Heres what happened, according to NY Daily News: Two women already there say her security tried to evict them, but they refused to leave. Says one: "One of the bodyguards said to us, 'If you're going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee.'" Wait, wait, lets repeat that one more time. If youre going to stay, you better not watch Mariah pee. Hilarious! Theres no way I can follow a line like that. Im packing this one in. Bam, sealed, run it. That bodyguard should do stand up. He would kill. Who wants to see Mariah Carey pee? No, actually, dont answer that. I dont want to know how many of you are out there. I like to think Im unique.

Audrina Partridge flashes her panties
Wow, Audrina Partridge is ambitious. First shes filler, now shes moved up to flashing her panties to the paparazzi. This is almost making me consider spelling her last name right. Almost. Im going to wait this one out though. She should stop being famous in about ten minutes, and then I can go back to calling her That girl from that show who's not blonde.

Audrina Partridge has just stepped up to filler
Im not sure why Audrina Partridge is famous. People tell me shes on The Hills so I assume she must be really good at talking on her cell phone. Well, today she gets to be filler. Its a real honor, I know. Bask in it, Audrina. Oh, I almost forgot a trademark witty comment to make this experience complete. Here we go, so, hey, your last name is Partridge. Did you enjoy riding on the bus with David Cassidy? Ha, get it? Audrina Partridge. Partridge Family. They rode that bus. No? Nothing? Damn. Sorry, Audrina. Could you maybe acquire a drug problem or neglect your kids? You know, something hilarious.EDIT: Turns out her last name is actually Patridge, not Partridge. Wow, she's even more useless than I thought. I'm leaving it misspelled in the post though, because, well, she's on The Hills. I could've spelled it "Pancake" for all anybody cares.

Tom Cruise is building a bunker to protect against aliens
I almost let this one slip by. Almost. But it is The Daily Mail and they wouldnt run it if it wasnt true right? Tom Cruise fears that galactic ruler Xenu is planning a revenge attack against Earth, so he's building a bunker to keep him and his family safe. The Daily Mail reports:"Tom is planning to build a US$10 million bunker under his Telluride estate." "It's a self-contained underground shelter with a high tech air purifying shelter." The facility is said to have enough room for ten people - including wife Katie Holmes, 17-month-old daughter Suri and his adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12. I want to believe aliens are the reason Tom built a bunker, but its time to face reality: the bunker is for Katie Holmes. He probably feels bad about locking her in the closet so hes upgrading her living conditions. But, hey, protecting her from Klaatu or whoever? Space aliens? That's a good reason too.

Natalie Portman shows her buttocks
Wes Anderson's short film Hotel Chevalier was released on iTunes earlier this week for free, but since iTunes doesn't work for everybody, now Google Video has the entire thing up also. The short stars Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman or, more specifically, Natalie Portman's naked butt. So yeah, if that's something you might be interested in you can watch the whole thing above. I'm not sure what other reason you'd possibly have for watching this thing. Maybe you don't see enough people brushing their teeth or talking really slowly in your regular life. Slightly NSFW because of, well, the whole naked butt thing.

Joey Fatone wants to help Britney - and possibly make out
Joey Fatone is reaching out to Britney Spears - in the creepiest way possible. While appearing on Extra, he had the following to say: I think she just needs some time, some time to really heal.Hes now inviting her to take refuge far away from Hollywood at his home in Orlando. Britney call me, come over to my house, come to Orlando, get way from it all, he pleaded. Its a good thing to get out of L.A. Fatone admitted he hasnt seen Britney in a while but added, If youre there, let me know. Im here for you sweetheart. Listen, Joey, I understand that you were the fat guy in NSync and Justin Timberlake got all the tail. Including Britneys when it was fashionable to do so. Now, not so much. Anyway, I have to admit, your plan, while desperate, is pretty clever. If you do get Britney to your house, there is a 110% chance shell get naked. I also hear shes drinking a lot, so thats good and will help her get over the whole fat thing. Whether that entails you being fat or Britney being self-cons...