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Jackpot: Opsware's sale to Hewlett-Packard netted ...
Opsware's sale to Hewlett-Packard netted founder Marc Andreessen a cool $98,279,186.25. [DocuDrama]

Stats Feed: Today's most popular headlines are The decline ...
Today's most popular headlines are The decline and fall of Business 2.0 (619 views today), Marc Canter tells Mark Zuckerberg how to run Facebook (466) and Who's to blame for AOL's search debacle? (409).

Apple: Apple has a rotten day -- but it's all business
Apple's shiny white posterior has been bruised and tarnished today. First there's some whining over iTunes being offline. Then CEO Steve Jobs was subpoenaed to testify in the SEC's lawsuit against Nancy Heinen, who allegedly backdated stock-option grants. Apple was than accused of cavorting with "the most cock-thirsty and money-grubbing conglomerates in the United States" -- that is, Hollywood studios. And then there's this sob story: Apple is blocking hacked iPhones. Maybe all these headlines will finally get the Apple devout to realize that Steve Jobs is not their best pal. Rather, he's the figurehead of a corporate entity trying to make money. It's like keeping a crocodile as a pet. It looks cute, sure, but eventually it's going to try to bite off your hand. And can you blame it? It's just hungry. (Photo by Daniel Shaw-Cosman)

Party Report: Wheeling and dealing with Dealmaker Media
Dealmaker Media, best known for putting together the Under the Radar and Momentum conferences, held one of their periodic "Insider" parties last night at the Varnish gallery in SoMa. Dealmaker CEO Debbie Landa, the Sarah Jessica Parker lookalike pictured above with Yahoo executive Brad Horowitz, brought together a group of entrepreneurs from solid, growing companies, biz-devvers from the big boys, and the VCs who look to profit from both of them. Call it the anti-TechCrunch40. Sure, there was business-card swapping, but unlike every other Valley mixer, you could actually have a conversation with someone. Imagine that.galleryPost('dealmakerinsiderpartyvarnish', 8, 'Dealmaker Insider Party');Like most of the blog chatter earlier this week, the conversations kept coming back to the TechCrunch40 conference held the day before. A fair number of the guests had attended the conference, and gossip about the event kept coming up. "It was a shit show," said one VC, even though he admitted...

Lifecasters: Everybody run away streaming! It's Kara.tv
Buried in this TechCrunch40 wrap-up post is a frightening promise from AllThingsD's Kara Swisher: Also: BoomTown will soon be trying out a new camera a la that annoying hat-camera guy, so get your Dramamine ready. The "annoying hat-camera guy," of course, is Justin Kan of Justin.tv, the pioneering lifecaster who made a big splash broadcasting his life, live, to the masses, then faded from sight somewhere around Memorial Day. One thing to keep in mind about this new development: Swisher, unlike Kan, is tiny -- about 5'2", if that. Any hat-camera she wears will be eye-level with Silicon Valley's chest. We look forward to watching her conversations with Walt Mossberg's sweater. Sort of. But not nearly as much as her interview with AllThingsD colleague John Paczkowzki. [Preferably in a tight T-shirt. Rowr. -Ed]

Blogging For Dollars: TechCrunch and Business 2.0 never managed ...
TechCrunch and Business 2.0 never managed to merge, but editor Michael Arrington has snapped up former B2 editor-at-large Erick Schonfeld. (This explains why Schonfeld recently revived his dormant blog to cover the TechCrunch40 conference.) Opinionated, arrogant, and whip-smart, Schonfeld is the perfect match for Arrington. We're looking forward to the fireworks at TechCrunch edit meetings -- to which Schonfeld will be dialing in remotely from Brooklyn. [Bits]

Kids Korner: The Internet vs. Sex Game Page
Kids! Uncle Nick is gonna teach you about sex, the Internet, and the interplay of the dehumanizing modern simulacrum versus the physical expression of that most animal of human urges! Also, acrostics!Sex position or World of Warcraft spell? (answers at bottom of page)1. Cat Form2. Stargazing3. Earth Shock4. Backstab5. Bull Horn6. Rainbow Arch7. Charge8. Aimed Shot9. Crushing Spices10. Clinging Creeper11. Battle Stance12. Double-edged KnifeFive LOLcat ways to say no to sex!1. Abstinent cat is abstinent2. Iz that time of monf3. I made you a Viagra, but I eated it.4. Sumbuddy stole mah fukket5. DO NOT WANTMatch the Internet people to the sex toy:1. Star Wars Kid2. Thriller Prisoners3. Ask a Ninja4. Leeroy JenkinsA. The Python Extra-Large Double DongB. Trojan Extended Pleasure with Climax ControlC. Vibrating Silver BulletD. Fuzzy nunchucks(Answer: None. The above people all need the touch of a real woman)Computer dangers that you could also get from sexDid you know that some people...

Great Moments In Journalism: Look! A cute kid with $6.5 million!
And a child will lead them -- down the garden path. PlaySpan is garnering buzz because its cofounder, 12-year-old Arjun Mehta, hauled in $6.5 million in venture capital (although it's suspected that his father and CEO Karl Mehta is using Arjun as a mere promotional tool). Talk about a startup in need of adult supervision. Arjun makes teenage entrepreneurs like Jessica Mah and Comcate founder Ben Casnocha look like pikers. The founder's age, however, is distracting reporters from the real question: Why did this company snag so much cash?PlaySpan's executives say it's a "publisher-sponsored in-game commerce network." Whatever that means. In-game item sales are the hot new trend in massively multiplayer online games. Since these virtual items -- say a shiny coat of dragon-scale armor -- can be made at virtually no cost to the publisher, they're extraordinarily high in margin. Some developers are, in fact, now offering their games for free, making ends meet by shilling fashion...

Earnings: Oracle's earnings have beaten Wall Street's ...
Oracle's earnings have beaten Wall Street's expectations, suggesting that the turmoil in credit markets has not had an impact on tech bellwethers. Score one for VC blogger Paul Kedrosky, who has cast tech stocks as a safe haven in today's market. [Associated Press]

Perks: A Wired freelancer profiles the company's ...
A Wired freelancer profiles the company's in-house cafeteria, which predates Google's overhyped meal-flingers and serves up organic, local fare. And who runs it? Why, real-estate blogger Phil Ferrato. Small world. [Ethicurean]

Silicon Valley Tool: Is Splunk CEO Michael Baum a hero or zero?
Meet Michael Baum, the CEO of recently funded enterprise software company Splunk. Is he a hero for raising so much money at a splendid valuation, when all the Valley's buzz is on profitless consumer plays? Or is he deserving of our Silicon Valley Tool award for being a colossal jerk? Our commenters are leaning strongly towards the latter.From Ghostwriter:Michael Baum is a self-loving a-hole. I first came across him about 8 months ago on a United PS flight from SFO to JFK. He was the row behind me in business class. The guy wouldn't shut the fuck up the entire flight. And he had a splitting loud voice. It was a nightmare. Then the following week I get on the same flight back to SFO, and I have my headphones on. I couldn't concentrate because someone behind me was talking incredibly loudly. I turn around, and sure enough it was him again. He was having full-blast conversations about things that were way too private for half the cabin to be listening to.About three weeks later...

Social Networks: Marc Canter tells Mark Zuckerberg how to run Facebook
Marc Canter, who once upon a time founded the multimedia-software company Macromedia, but now largely gets attention mostly for napping through conferences, has blogged an open letter to Facebook's CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Canter misspells his name as "Zukerberg" and refers to him repeatedly as "dude," because that's apparently Canter's notion of the way these kids talk today. That would be enough reason, in our book, for "Zukerberg" to ignore him. But no, it gets worse. Canter wants "Zukerberg" to "do the right thing." By "do the right thing," Canter means, of course, "give away your business." You see, in today's Silicon Valley, it's not enough to build a successful business. In fact, if you have any chance of being successful, the church of open standards will demand you bow down before their altar and tithe your users to them. Canter, in short, wants Zuckerberg to join the kibbutz and sing a round of "Kumbaya" while holding hands. Not to mention solving all the industry's "problems...

Videogames: Electronic Arts only wishes it were big in Japan
Videogame maker Electronic Arts is on the prowl for an acquisition in Japan to act as an Asiatic beachhead. Only 6 percent of its sales come from Asia, which seems absurdly low, considering the continent is home to the most popular videogame consoles, and well, only, say, most of the world's population. How long, exactly, has it taken EA to notice this fact? Granted it has subsisted, primarily, on the sales of steroidal sports games and World War II shooters that don't exactly mesh with the Japanese diet of saucy role-playing games, but it's shocking that a monolith of the gaming industry has such a rocky foothold in that territory -- and that's it's taken the company this long to do something about it.

Blogging For Dollars: All the news that fits to blog and then reprint
Gawker has been referring to The New York Times as just a fancy blog for some time. But now the Times is really living up to the moniker. The newspaper has begun promoting its Bits technology blog with brief blurbs in the printed version. It's hardly original -- the San Francisco Chronicle has been doing exactly that for a while now. But it means that blunt, off-the-cuff, first-person blog highlights are now appearing alongside the stodgy, rule-ridden prose of the eminent paper's traditional news articles.

Deathwatch: SCO, who purported to own Unix and all Linux ...
SCO, who purported to own Unix and all Linux derivatives, is, unsurprisingly, one step closer to its deathbed as NASDAQ sends a notice that they will be delisted from the exchange. Refusing to admit the fight is over, SCO will appeal the delisting. But with their cases against IBM and Novell in tatters, a bankruptcy filing, and dwindling cash reserves, the persistent litigator is unlikely to reverse NASDAQ's decision after earlier warnings.

Quotable: "That's Jeff Gaspin, the president of the ...
"That's Jeff Gaspin, the president of the NBC Universal Television Group. So his number-one priority is piracy. Not making high-quality shows. Not forging a sponsorship or advertising model that is less annoying and distracting to viewers, such that they (the viewers) would be less likely to want to fast-forward the advertising messages. No, piracy, that's his top priority." -- Blogger John Gruber, reacting to Gaspin's statement that "priacy was and is our no. 1 priority." [Daring Fireball]

Stats: The Internet is officially better than sex
Reuters is pimping a study conducted by advertising firm JWT concluded that one out of every five people sacrifices sex to spend more time online. More than a quarter of the surveyed say they interact less with friends and acquaintances in face-to-face situations. JWT concluded that we've turned into a bunch of "digitivity denizens," people who opt for Wi-Fi over television and have intertwined their online and offline lives to the point where a fifth of the populace can't go without the Internet for more than a couple of days. Fifteen percent can't last unplugged for more than a day. Of course, JWT only polled 1,011 people -- most likely interrupting a really rocking World of Warcraft guild meeting. (Photo by Lucas)

Online Video: ABC is now offering free streams of its shows ...
ABC is now offering free streams of its shows at AOL.com in an effort to expand its Web viewing audience. Viewers will be delighted to know that the webcasts will use "geo-targeting," so you'll continue to receive local ads, like that shouty used-car salesman you've grown so fond of. [Wall Street Journal]

Stats: Who's to blame for AOL's search debacle?
Let the fingerpointing begin. A friend of ousted AOL advertising executive Mike Kelly takes issue with our assignment of blame for AOL's dwindling search market share. He says that Ted Cahall, the weightlifting strongman of Dulles, Va. (left) is responsible. It's true that Cahall -- who is, judging by our tipsters' emotions on the subject, already widely loathed on the AOL campus -- now oversees AOL Search. But Cahall only joined the company earlier this year. Kelly previously included search in his responsibilities, and from late 2005 to early 2007, AOL's search market share fell by nearly half. I'm sure Kelly has his strong points, but by the numbers, this wasn't one of them.

Obituary: The decline and fall of Business 2.0
Did Business 2.0 die a natural death? Or was it murdered? The story told so far about the tech-focused, San Francisco-based magazine's demise was an abrupt drop in advertising. But in his MediaShift column, Mark Glaser suggests that a poorly planned business-side reorganization by its parent company, Time Inc., is more to blame. Combining Business 2.0's salesforce with that of Fortune and Money led not to the expected boost in ads, but a drop that hit all the magazines, with Business 2.0 -- where, I should disclose, I worked before joining Valleywag -- the most vulnerable. The most intriguing tidbit: Glaser reports that TechCrunch, run by Michael Arrington, explored a merger with Business 2.0. Arrington, in a blog post, confirms the rumor, and, intriguingly, suggests that Time Inc. was "proactive in destroying" the magazine to favor Fortune.Arrington is being far too generous in that murder scenario, I believe. He gives the executives at Time Inc. more credit for strategic thinking...

Clips: Ooma gets creepier
So, you thought that yesterday's video from telecom startup Ooma was bad? Oh, it gets weirder.This is the latest clip released from the voice-over-IP gadget maker and its creative genius, teen idol Ashton Kutcher. The creepy kid actor is back, and he nicely fills his role as a low-budget Damien from The Omen. Notice the video never mentions the product or company itself -- probably a good thing. Better to keep the brand name as far as possible from the crappy production and bad acting. Even Michael Arrington at TechCrunch, who has given mostly favorable coverage to Ooma in the past, calls this video drug-induced. We agree. The question is, what kind of drug? I vote peyote -- put your guesses in the comments.

Wi-Fi: The Bay Area isn't the only place with municipal ...
The Bay Area isn't the only place with municipal wi-fi woes. Chicago, Cinncinnati, Houston and St. Louis are all struggling to figure out how to pay for free wireless. [USA Today]

Great Moments In Journalism: Headlines have midair collision on newspaper website
Newspaper editors have long fretted about the keyword-linked ads provided by Google and others. "What if airline ads appear next to a story about a plane crash?" they ask. But they appear to be so busy worrying about the ads that they're not minding unfortunate collisions of stories. This morning, the website of The Chattanoogan displayed a photo of a plane crash next to a news story about a startup airline, Skybus, expanding to the paper's Tennessee hometown.

David Hayden: The Valley's unluckiest entrepreneur wants a vacation
How does David Hayden, the founder of Internet search engine Magellan, email-outsourcer Critical Path, and Jeteye, a blogging service, keep going? Last we'd checked, he may owe his bankers as much as $38 million -- a debt he's disputing in court -- and Jeteye's landlord was trying to collect on the rent. And yet Hayden is moving on to a new venture, according to a resume he's published on his Jeteye page. Archipelago Properties is a "private destination vacation club" -- a sort of timeshare for the ultrarich. Hayden writes that he expects to close $40 million in financing by next January. Sounds like Hayden, a general contractor before he became an Internet entrepreneur and who bought grand homes in San Francisco and Sun Valley during the first boom, is at last getting back to a business he knows: real estate.

Fiction: Google takes an evil turn
The latest issue of Radar, the on-again, off-again pop-culture ragazine, has a short story by Boing Boing editor Cory Doctorow. "Scroogled" imagines a world where Google has slid all the way down the slippery slope into full-on evilness. The scary thing? In his speeches and blog posts, Doctorow veers toward irrational, paranoid rhetoric that's easily dismissed. But in his fiction, a darkly dystopian future where Google and the Department of Homeland Security have all but merged, where Google's Wi-Fi hotspots feature webcams that track your every move, doesn't just seem likely -- it seems inevitable.